I’ll never forget the look in my child’s eyes—a mixture of shock and fear, like the look of an innocent animal the millisecond it becomes road kill. I don’t even recall what happened. All I know is that I was angry, frustrated and terribly exhausted—and so was he. I crossed a line when I took hold of his shoulders and shook them to make my point and it’s not a moment I’m proud of.
I get heaps of mommy accolades, earned my master’s in counseling psychology, I’ve written an award-winning parenting book and am generally confident in my most precious and cherished role as a mother. But the truth is that I’m not perfect. None of us is.
Unwrapping the images and stereotypes of parenting perfection is important, because most of us sometimes feel like imposters unworthy of our role, our kids, and the Facebook photos we post. That’s why I admire the courage of parents like past Bowen Islander, Christina Cook (author of The Joy of Missing Out), who did a series of real-life FB posts that included the more un-edited and un-posed shots of day to day life with children.
We all have our monster mom or monster dad moments—those parenting storms when our kids push every button we have (and even some we didn’t know existed!). Those moments when all we wanna do is crawl back into bed, pull up the covers and bawl or throw our own award-winning temper tantrum. The critical part is how well we recover from these “step away from your child,” scenarios.
So hereare six monster parent recovery tips I use and invite you to consider:
Ask for help and then accept it. A tall order for some of us recovering pleasers, I realize, but parenting is too big a job to do solo. Masquerading as super mom or super dad when you’re drowning inside does no one any good, especially the kids.
Tuck yourself in with the kids more. So many of us are so plain ol’ worn out that we don’t have the energy reserves we need. Sleep deprivation is the biggest thief when it comes to parenting joy and patience. Often all we really need is a good night’s sleep, so we can start fresh again.
Have the courage to lower your standards and do less sometimes. Really! You can’t do it all, much less all at once (believe me—I’ve tried and failed miserably!). We constantly overestimate what we can get done in a year, but underestimate what we can do in ten. So take pressure off your parenting shoulders, and focus more on the big picture and what really matters to you.
Never emotionally abandon your kids. Delete phrases such as, “you’re too much for me” and “I can’t handle this” from your vocabulary. Never walk out angry. The one exception to this rule is when you’re using a parent time-out (yup, they exist, and they’re the only time-outs I recommend) and have clearly told your children you’re taking time to calm down so you can reconnect with them. This strategy does not give you a free pass to run away from home though! You’re the parent and you need to step up and be the kids’ anchor by holding the fort down with your presence.
Use your kids as your psychological magnifying glass. Our children are the best at magnifying our triggers and showing us the areas that need healing! Use the love you have for your kids to inspire you to bring these shadow places to light in a workshop or with your journal, a friend, a minister or rabbi, or a therapist.
Give yourself full permission to have a healthy pity party or temper tantrum now and again. Far too often we “should” all over ourselves, judging ourselves more harshly than our own worst enemies. Journal out your real feelings, go into a forest alone (making sure the kids are taken care of, of course) and do your best impression of Edvard Munch’s famous painting “The Scream,” or call up a good friend (when out of earshot of the kids) and ask them to put on the 5-minute timer so you can have a good old whine fest!
After all, until we can be gentler and more forgiving of ourselves and learn ways to recover from our own bad parenting behaviour, how can we expect our kids to do the same?
